Remembering the past, helping with the future


11th May 2017 Forgotten PTSD 0

So how does a person get to the point they even think about suicide?  Damn hard question, we all have different triggers, and although these things effect the suicidal person, whatever has happened to them weather it be loss.of a loved one, father, mother, sibling or even a child, ptsd or depression, there are people out there who may never think of it regardless of what has happened to them.  You see not all squaddies who have seen the horrors of this world end up effected by ptsd, damn don’t we all wish we know how the mind works and we could help those who will suffer from this affliction before the symptoms start.

Then there is the diagnosis of bi polar, why do I bring this into it, well there are many mental health diagnosis that could lead to suicide, schizophrenia, dementia to name a few, even some physical ie cancer, MS, MD.  Damn what a cruel cruel world we live in.  So anyway back to the bi polar,  I had many reason to feel depressed throughout my military career, loss of a loved one, crap I had seen, but I soldiered on, as they say, but anyway I knew things where not right with me, I felt differently, so after explaining my highs and lows to a doc, he was honest enough to compare it to bi polar, needless to say a prescription of anti depressants where given and an appointment for the next month, which I never attended.  It was less than a year later, when I seen a shrink only to be told my symptoms act like bi polar, but having gone further into detail with the shrink he diagnosed PTSD, feck I’d rather have bi polar and just be done with it, this ptsd had changed me, I had a raging temper, sometimes I was so happy  (not having had nightmares for a while) I felt I could fly, I am anxious, paranoid, I started sleepwalking (something I had never done) the thought of having nightmares turned me into an insomniac, my feckin blood pressure was constantly high, but most of all I felt consumed by the depression, it takes over my life for weeks and months on end.

For me there are no obvious triggers to my black dog (the depression) no death in my family.  But my triggers are unseen, my nightmares, the annoyance that I cannot work due to the physical pain I feel on a daily basis due to rhumetoid arthritis compartment syndrome in my legs.  And a partner who comes home every day, asking what have I done today, and me feeling guilty on most days where i have done feck all, my house and garden are upside down and I don’t have the energy, physically and mentally to do anything about it.

Then there is the guilt of looking after my 5 year old daughter, she has so much energy, which is normal for a 5 year old lol, but I can’t take her anywhere unless I have a car to do so, walking the shortest of distances kills me with pain, getting up from a position on the floor is horrendous, and the guilt of not being able to go play with my daughter is gut renching (unless i have took a concoction of medication upto and including canibis oil to keep that pain at bay for a few hours) off course makes me think what sort of mother am I, she would be better off without me, well we all know where that road ends.

But if you remember back to my 1st blog, I did say I had a saviour, a best friend, she is the one I go to when I feel down, when the suicidal thoughts start coming back into my head, she keeps me sane, with her wit and sense of humour, but most of all her strength, and then I also feel guilty for relying on her, as she herself has her own demons to be getting on with, you see my saviour has terminal bone cancer, she herself goes through her depression and the thought of leaving her son without a mum, but I know her, I know when she needs space and quiet time, time in her bed due to pain, time to reflect on her life and what’s to come, time to prepare, I give her this time, but we also have a deal, I don’t let her wallow in it, she gets a set number of days before I kick her arse back to reality, we share the same sense of humour and laugh a lot at each other, and as I write this I know she sees my dark days, she gives me time when I need it, and she also kicks my arse.  I have never confided in anyone (not even a shrink) as much as I confide in her, we have spoke about when the time comes for her, what her wishes are for her son and also her funeral, all I can do is pray daily that the cancer dosent take her anytime soon.  And that is damn selfish of me, because I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.


Life is shite and times and  PTSD is crap and can be a killer, the one thing I can ask of anyone out there inflicted with this regardless of there back ground, find that one person in your life you can tell your signs and symptoms to, someone you can trust, even if it means you know what you are telling them they will relay to your partner or loved ones so that they can better understand what you are going through.  Many partners and loved ones will be thinking so why can’t they just talk to me, tell me what is going on in there head, on this part I can only speak from experience, because I don’t want my partner or loved one to look at me differently, knowing what I have seen or done, even with the possibility that they have more love or admiration for me, me I see that as sympathy, and I dont want that.


Love and hugs xxCxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *