PTSD – Anxiety/panic attacks
Have you ever been in a situation where you genuinely Fear for your life, or someone close to you. Have you ever got that nervous about something, that you may have nightmares the night before, you feel your pulse through every artery in your body, hear it in your ears, sweat coming out of everywhere, even your eyelids, you can’t think, you can’t concentrate, should you go to whatever it is or should you stay at home and just not bother, you pace the floor boards of your home, your mind races with every scenario under the sun, it’s all the worst thing imaginable, fgs I only want to go out to asda for a loaf of bread.
I am thankful, that I don’t experience this every day of my life, but on the days that I do its normally after a bad night with nightmares or insomnia worrying about nightmares. I have become really good at hiding my anxiety from my partner Donnie, especially on a Saturday or Sunday if he wants to go somewhere, I have my excuses already prepared, or if I can’t get out of it, no doubt I’m almost certain ill do or say something stupid or I won’t hear something he has said (deaf in my right ear, which he forgets about) so this will cause his short temper to go off on one, yip that’s me I’m staying home.
There are times during the week when I know I need to get out and do something, (yes I really do need that loaf of bread) and I ask my bestie Jennifer to come with me, or I say to her I’m going to asda do you want to come, knowing that 9 out of 10 times the answer is yes, thank feck I don’t have to go out on my own, I’m safe jen is with me lol. It may sound daft but I feel safer with jen than I do my partner, that could be because the trust we have built up with each other is beyond words itself.
Then there are the days where nope I can’t get a step over the door, feck how is katelyn gonna get to school, yip I have on very very few occasions asked jen to take her, but even though I haven’t left the house, I’m still in panic mode, what do I do if something happens to katelyn at school, you have no idea the images that go through ones mind when the anxiety and panic kicks in. Every scenario under the sun up too and including katelyn (my daughter) being killed. Damn the mind is a crap place to live.
Over the last few weeks we have seen terror attacks, and they do exactly what they say on the tin, instill terror in us, I feel for the family and victims of these attacks, some may turn out okay, and some may end up with a variety of symptoms from ptsd or even full blown ptsd. I’m gutted for them, it’s not an easy thing to live with, God I should know.
I hate living in fear, it causes paranoia beyond belief, I hate crowds and shops when they r busy, I’m fortunate that I can go out to them during the week when they are less busy. But I hate to say it, in this day and age it’s good to be a bit paranoid when we are out and about, be a bit suspicious about people and bags left unattended.
God help us in this day and age xx lots of love and hugs to all that need them.