Please remember, above all else I write this post from my own experience.
You have all heard of people either putting up a wall, or hiding behind barriers. Me…. well I’m pretty much an expert at this, I could go to work and act the class clown, have a laugh with my staff and patients, and little did they know that I had a whole 15 mins kip the night before due to my ptsd, whether it be a dream or fear of going back to sleep.
The faces we put on, or barriers we put up are not for our own benefit, but for the benefit of those around us.
I like to call my faces, the good the bad and the ugly, (come on u know u wanna say something don’t u lol) anyway back to the barriers.
That happy face we all put on to the world, the yeah I’m fine, everything is great, I’m on top of the world and act like a bi polar patient on a high, the world is my oyster and I’m gonna let everyone around me believe and think that I’m cured of any mental health problem in my life and ptsd is in my past. Yip I can get away with it. But trust me this can only last for so long, like all actors we become tired, we get home shut the door and just want silence, things catch up with us, the acting, the lack of sleep, the idiots we have to work with but smile at everyday. Then the bad starts to overtake the good.
So the door is shut and we are behind it, no one can see us, now is the time to think, so how did the day go, did I upset anyone with my gob that dosent have a filter, did I actually tell that patient to get a fuckin grip or did I just think it, the days, turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, the bad is taking over, I’m hitting a downer, crying when no one is looking, I think more and more of what caused my ptsd, I become more and more quiet in work, I don’t want to be around anyone, just get on with life like a robot, these days I don’t work, so you would think I would have more good days than bad, no I have more bad days than good mainly because I have become a bit of a recluse, my daily routine involves me taking my daughter to school and pickin her up, the time in between that is spent along or with my bestie, someone I don’t need to put a face on with, as I have said she is a bit of a saviour and can tell just by my hellos in the morning what kind of day I’m gonna have. So one day I hope any sufferers out there manage to find someone like ma bestie, trust me she kicks my arse when I need it. Anyway, as part of the bad comes the time when the family ie my fella and family or other friends ask how I am, for them I can manage a whole 2 mins of the good, before I leave the room, or these days sit watching the world go by on social media, I don’t like hiding my feelings or not telling everyone around me, sorry I’ve hit a downer, I just need some time on my own, feck how easy it is to say that, but for me that’s showing weakness, and we can’t be having any of that now can we.
Nope nope and double nope. There are two sides to my ugly jist to make it even more complicated, it’s either when I have spent that long in a downer the only way out is to throw myself off the nearest railway bridge or to get my meds and take a months worth over a bottle of asbach, either way will do. Or the other half, where the next person I catch takin the piss and being a lazy bastards at work, or a boss who needs to hear a few home truths gets it full raging pelt, I can let it build up through the bad period but once it gets to that ugly stage this is David taking on goliath time and no fucker is gonna stop me, the red rag to the bull, see u later bye bye, I’m on self distruct mode. And after that destruction is the come down, the tears, the apologies, the omfg what have I done. Then back to the sucide part, the ultimate downer, the guilt of how bad we have been to people around us, the things we never should have said or done, omfg they will never forgive me.
Barriers eh, we all have them, sometimes that person with ptsd has a barrier because they don’t want to let a loved one into the fucked up world we live in, and believe for whatever reason our loved ones friends and family will never understand, so we are best not to talk about it, sometimes I can’t hide it from my fella, the weird sleep walking and trying to evacuate the house in the middle of the night give it away lol. As I said God only knows why my fella puts up with me, must be my glowing charm when I have my good face on xx
Love and hugs to all xx cat xx